I’m writing this personal update with those who’ve been walking with me for a while – leadership team, supporters, donors, volunteers, viewers – but a lot of people have discovered me through this crisis. If you’re new here and wondering who I am and what this is all about, check out my Digital Missions Overview (what is a “digital pastor”) and my XtianNinja Media Kit (more comprehensive look at XtianNinja Online Missions).
TL;DR: I’m pushing my first stream back to Oct 6.
Sharing Struggles During the Sabbatical
I started my break with a mix of anxiety and unshakable lethargy. I was exhausted from grief and it took a few days just to stop waiting for the next inevitable emergency or dose of bad news. That constant dread takes a while to fade.
As the days went on, the dread eased, but prayer and journaling still felt impossible. I wanted to seek God but couldn’t make time to get quiet. I’ve considered just going to a hotel room for a couple days, but it feels like a waste of money during this season.
The updates for Anita’s care, and especially the day-9 phone call when she wanted to come home, set me back emotionally. I’m grateful she’s now committed to finishing the full 60 days at Valiant and is doing very well, and the sadness isn’t as acute as it was, but the ups and downs have left me feeling like I never quite found real rest.
If you want to understand the shape of my long-term struggle with burnout, I told that story in a stream some months back: Watch here
Wrestling with Limits
I’ve said before that I feel like I live in a room with most of the air sucked out. I know I’m capable of so much more — for TACO, for this community, myself, my health, my family, the creators I mentor, the opportunities God’s put before me — but it feels like every time I get momentum, something knocks the wind out of me. I hate feeling lazy and weak as the guy who keeps needing “mental health days” and puts out mediocre work.
I’ve carried a lot of resentment about that. “If it wasn’t for…”, I start, but have to stop that thought quickly. I’ve been told, even recently by people who care about me, that XtianNinja and TACO should be farther along organizationally. And I agree. If it weren’t for the long years of crisis at home, I think I would be. That’s hard to take.
I feel like how Nehemiah must have felt as he worked hard on the wall. He was building something God ordained, world changing, and would absolutely improve the lives of so many struggling people – but every brick laid had to push though waves of discouragement, threats, distraction, exhaustion, fear, strife….
Sanballat and Tobiah are in my head telling me that my work is feeble and weak (4:1-3), trying to trick me into wasting time (6:1-4), tempting me to hide myself away in fear (6:10-14). The Enemy is seeing progress, and is “very angry”, working hard to cause pain and confusion (4:7-9). The finances are difficult and there’s temptation to panic or go into debt (5:1-12). People who care about me ask if the project is worth the danger I’m putting myself in (4:12).
But, the wall went up. Nehemiah didn’t build it alone and it wasn’t done quickly. Constant prayer (Nehemiah 1:4-11; 4:4-5; 6:9,14), practical partnerships (Neh 4:16-18), uncompromising perseverance (6:3), humble and sacrificial service (5:14-19), got it built. The work was important and, with God’s wisdom, strength, and grace, he made it happen.
I’m more than aware of the conclusion Paul reaches after pleading with God over and over to remove his “thorn in the flesh” (2 Cor 12:1-10). All through this break, I know God’s been calling me to trust Him — to keep asking, seeking, knocking (Matt 7:7-11) through the hardships and calamities – to find His strength in my weakness. He’s answered so many prayers already. The fact that I’ve been doing this for 4+ years is a testament to His continued blessing. And, I believe that even though things look rough, I continue to trust that His plans (Jer 29:11-13), even when I don’t see how.
I know all that in my mind and spirit – but my heart and strength seem to be lagging behind (Luke 10:27).
Coming Back Carefully
I don’t feel “better” right now, but I still think that coming back is the right call. Having a regular schedule is healthy for me and for the people I serve. The plan is to return to work on October 1, but I’m going to give myself a few days before going live again. The first stream back will now be Monday, October 6. Between now and then I’ll focus on meetings with TACO, reconnecting with contacts, and preparing content.
People that know me know that I’m a guy that seems to only have two modes: full blast & wiped out. I struggle with tempering my energies. My hope is to come back with the familiar rhythm of Maturity Monday, TACO Tuesday, Wellness Wednesday, and Variety Thursday but I know I’m not at full strength and need to approach the next season intentionally and without the usual intensity. The streams will be purposeful, but I’ll have to hold plans loosely.
I’m disappointed that I had to cancel my speaking engagements with The Church Digital, but I’m still confirmed to speak virtually for HACK2025 on Oct 25 (4:00-4:30 PM) and will be at Reach Conference in Florida in November (use code XTIANNINJA at checkout for a discount!). I’m grateful that even in the middle of all this, doors for ministry keep opening.
How You Can Help
Many of you have already given sacrificially to make Anita’s treatment possible. Thank you, again! As we move forward, the most effective way to help me, her, my family, and the ministry, is by becoming a monthly supporter. Monthly giving sustains this ministry—keeping me active as a digital pastor and helping continue to equip creators.
You can partner here (tax-deductible):
👉 Alliance New Ventures – Allan “XtianNinja” Descheneau
Prayer is equally vital:
– for Anita’s continued healing,
– for renewed strength for me,
– for our family to use this season as a time of genuine healing.
Thank you for reading,
XN