Many of you have seen the toll this has taken on me during streams — the exhaustion, the breakdowns, and most recently, not being able to stream at all. What you haven’t seen is the hidden weight my wife, Anita, has been carrying. For years her struggles have remained largely private, but because her doctors believe a 60-day stay at Valiant Behavioral Health Ottawa is her best and possibly only chance at real healing, she has allowed part of her story to be shared. The cost is $27,000 — far beyond what we can manage — and without urgent help, our family cannot keep going.

---

I don’t usually write posts like this, but I need to share something deeply personal and urgent.

While most of the time I try to stay positive and professional, if you’ve been in my streams for the past four years, then many of you have seen the toll my life behind the scenes has taken on me. I often describe the difference between my life inside my office and what happens beyond the office door. That’s been kept private for many years, but because of this urgent need, Anita is allowing some of her story to be known.

Anita’s Hidden Struggle

Most of my followers don’t know Anita. She’s never been on stream and has only been in chat a handful of times. Even when I was in traditional ministry, her role was primarily as wife, homemaker, and homeschooler to our children. For our whole marriage, to a greater or lesser degree, she has been quietly fighting battles with her mental health. And now, as the children have aged, more trauma has occurred, and I’ve stepped into a challenging, cutting-edge ministry with global effect, the battle has increased exponentially.

While you haven’t seen Anita, you’ve certainly seen how that hidden burden has affected me. In one sense, the level of suffering has been my “golden ticket” to being able to minister to people with severe mental health and abuse issues. But it has also shown up in breakdowns on stream, moments where I admitted I was close to burnout, sudden stream endings and cancelled meetings, my own mental health fraying, and now stepping back from streaming entirely this week.

Anita was, and is, a very good mom. When healthy, she’s also been a fantastic partner in life and ministry. Her gifts fill a lot of my gaps. But she hasn’t been healthy for a long time. Her trauma didn’t just shape her life — it has shaped our life, our marriage, and our family. The last few years have only grown darker and more difficult. I’ve been on the edge of breaking multiple times over the past decade, and increasingly so over the past months.

Edison’s Loss

Many of you know part of my son Edison’s story. He was a wonderful kid who suddenly changed, turning inward, self-harming, and even becoming abusive toward me. Eventually, he went into long-term mental health care, then moved to another city, where he tragically died of a drug overdose.

His death was devastating for all of us, but especially for Anita. At the time, she had actually been doing better, working hard on her recovery. Losing Edison set her back in ways I can’t fully put into words, and despite myriad treatments, her mental and physical health has been spiraling downward ever since.

The Spiritual Battle

I can’t ignore the spiritual reality. As TACO and XtianNinja Online Missions have grown — reaching more people, opening new doors for speaking, and quietly impacting creators behind the scenes — I’ve also seen the enemy fight harder to destroy me, my family, and this ministry. Edison’s loss was a casualty of that battle, and I believe Anita’s decline is part of it as well. The weight has been relentless, and while God’s grace has carried us, the strain is greater than we can endure alone.

A Chance for Hope

Anita hasn’t given up. She has submitted herself to multiple doctors, tried countless medications, and gone through some very difficult treatments. She wants to be well. But the struggles have been too great, and nothing has been enough.

Now, her doctors believe there may finally be a breakthrough: a 60-day stay at Valiant Behavioral Health Ottawa, a trauma-informed residential program, combined with a promising new treatment. This could be the turning point Anita needs.

The problem is the cost: $27,000 for 60 days of care. That’s far less than most similar programs, but far more than we can manage. This season has also been financially overwhelming. My youngest just entered college, I have an upcoming dental surgery that isn’t covered by insurance, the cost of living has risen, and even Anita’s promising new treatment isn’t included in the $27,000. Add to that the expenses of ministry and new travel for speaking, and it’s simply more than I can bear.

God has been extremely generous with us. Somehow, I get to be one of the very few full-time Christian content creators and digital pastors in the world. That’s not because I’m strong or talented enough to make it happen — it’s because of the love and generosity of those who have supported me and this ministry. There aren’t enough words to express my gratitude for how you’ve carried us to this point.

How You Can Help

Our dear friend Chantal has created a fundraiser on Anita’s behalf. Every dollar raised will go directly to her treatment. Anything beyond the treatment cost will help us with pressing needs, including follow-up care for Anita, my upcoming surgery, and the daily costs of keeping our family afloat.

Here’s how you can join us:

1. Pray. We are in a spiritual battle, and we need God’s people to pray for healing, protection, and breakthrough.
2. Donate. Every dollar makes a difference. Truly.
3. Share. Passing this fundraiser on to your network expands the reach far beyond what we can do alone.

This is the hardest post I’ve ever had to write. But if there was ever a time to ask for help, this is it.

👉 https://www.givesendgo.com/GJNMD

Thank you for reading and considering,
Pastor Al “XtianNinja” Descheneau