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As a digital pastor with a livestream, I often find myself suddenly hearing stories full of real, raw human emotion—that leave a deep impact on both me and my community. Recently, a police officer opened up during one of my streams, sharing the heart-wrenching account of a tragic day on the job. Her story stuck with me, and it’s one I believe others need to hear.
A Day That Changed Everything
It started with a quiet message in the chat, but the weight behind it was unmistakable. She was a police officer, processing an experience that most of us can only imagine. Her story unfolded over the next few minutes, revealing a tragedy that left her questioning her actions, her role, and her ability to cope with what had happened.
“I went to a call about a mentally ill teen. He had already stabbed his mother and was attacking someone else,” she wrote. Despite the violent situation, she tried to approach the teen with care, hoping to defuse the situation without further harm. “Everything was going good,” she said, until suddenly, things turned. “After a few minutes, he sprinted at me and tried to stab me.”
They struggled on the ground, her recounting the details slowly, as if reliving the moments that had replayed in her mind over and over again. She managed to wrestle the knife away from him, but then it got worse: “He grabbed my pistol and pulled it from its case… the gun fired, and he died on my shoulders.”
The weight of that moment settled over the chat. She continued, “I feel guilty because I think I fired the gun.” The guilt was palpable, but the community didn’t hesitate to offer support.
Guilt vs. Trauma
The next part of our conversation turned to the difference between guilt and trauma, a line that can be hard to see when you’re living through it. She was wracked with guilt over the outcome, even though her actions were those of an officer doing her best in a life-or-death situation. “He died because of me,” she kept saying, but as we worked through her story together, it became clear that she was confusing the tragic outcome with personal fault.
I told her that guilt, in its truest sense, comes from a wrongdoing, and everything she had done was about protecting others. Another viewer chimed in, “He died because of his mental instability, leading him to fight with an armed officer.” Yet another added, “How many people might have died if he was allowed to continue? He’d already stabbed his mother.”
We talked about how she wasn’t the cause of his death; she was responding to an uncontrollable situation. I reminded her that while it was natural to feel the weight of the tragedy, the choices that led to that moment were not hers. The teen had put everyone in danger—including her—and she had responded as best she could in a volatile situation.
Healing in Community
As the conversation deepened, others in chat shared their own stories of dealing with traumatic incidents. One firefighter said, “When the first death I had in my career happened, I talked to the department pastor and my chain of command. They helped me find a therapist.” Another offered advice: “The bad feelings are normal and natural for the circumstances. If anything, they show you have empathy and are not hard and numb to the job. That means you’re the best person for it.”
I could see how much the community’s words were impacting her. They were gently reminding her that she didn’t have to face this alone. “I’m going to see my therapist tomorrow,” she said later in the stream, and the chat exploded with encouragement, cheering her on for taking that step.
“Don’t carry this alone,” one person urged. “You have a family at home too, and they need you to be healthy and whole.” As she signed off, I could tell she felt a little lighter, knowing that a group of people, many of whom she had never met in person, were standing with her.
The Role of Digital Ministry in Moments Like This
This conversation reinforced for me the incredible power of online communities. Digital ministries, especially livestreams, are so much more than entertainment—they’re lifelines. They’re places where people can connect, process, and heal in real-time. Whether it’s someone dealing with trauma or someone just looking for a safe space to talk, these streams can make a world of difference.
If you know someone who could benefit from reading this, please share this story with them. And if you want to be part of a community that offers empathy and support in the hardest moments, I invite you to join me on my Twitch streams. We explore faith, personal struggles, and spiritual growth together. Digital missions, especially livestreams like mine, provide a place where anyone from around the world can instantly connect to a pastor and a supportive faith community, no matter where they are. Let’s continue to support those who carry the weight of trauma and guilt, showing them they’re not alone.
Here are links to the video highlights:
https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2236736336
https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2236746708
*Just a reminder that Twitch links sometimes expire.*
As TACO and XtianNinja Ministries continue to grow, so do the costs of keeping everything running smoothly. Right now, I’m facing some unexpected expenses, including a much-needed new chair, prescriptions not covered by the government, and the rising costs of vital digital tools for the ministry. I also have a strong desire to travel for speaking engagements, but without a travel budget, that’s been difficult to manage. If you feel led to help support this ministry financially, any donation would be deeply appreciated, and you can receive a charitable tax receipt through the link below:
