Short version: I’m carrying more than I can manage, so the glitch felt like a collapse. Computer crashed and then I crashed.
What happened on stream
Anyone who has streamed for any length of time knows that glitches happen. “It wouldn’t be a Twitch stream if everything went right!”, we say. I’m used to fixing on the fly, so today when the problems started, I tried to push through like a pro, but as the PC crashes mounted I felt myself crashing along with it. On a normal day, I reboot and carry on. Today, it was too much. Better to stop than waste everyone’s time while I spiral on camera.
Why I’m worn down
The past months have been heavy. I’ve been working to keep showing up, but the mix of personal strain, financial pressure, and ongoing uncertainty has me exhausted and discouraged. My calling with XN and TACO has always been to encourage, unite, counsel, and glorify God. Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve done the opposite of that, and it grieves me.
Clarity about what I’m carrying
I recently told the organizer for ReachConf that I haven’t booked my flight yet. Since I don’t know what’s going to happen, it would be irresponsible. I want to share why with you:
- Anita’s care: She has been in a residential facility for 5 days. The first 30 days are covered.
- Raised so far: $15,100 via GiveSendGo + $8,138 privately = $23,238.
- Cost of first 30 days: $15,225, leaving $8,013
- Cost to reach 60 days: $13,560.
- Remaining need: $5,547 to secure care through Nov 10.
- TACO at Reach: TACO’s fundraiser goal is $10,000 (currently $362). Once it reaches $1,000, a donor will double it to $2,000. These funds are to help get me to Reach. If we can’t raise beyond that, the TACO Tranquility Room will likely be impacted. It crushes me that money that could be used to serve the hundreds of people coming to Reach would be used on me. It should go to them.
- Dental: I have a tooth issue. A previous estimate was about $4,000. I meet the dentist tomorrow to hear options.
- Non-Profit Status: The agreement with my sponsor church runs out in February 2026. I’m working with New Ventures Alliance on next steps, but nothing so far. Options include finding a new sponsor church or coming under a larger non-profit, the Great Commission Foundation (who takes about 10% processing on each donation).
- Speaking commitments: Sept 17, Oct 8, Nov 6, and possibly Oct 25. All need prep on top of my regular content.
To put the money need in perspective: Last year, I received $15,535 in support donations. This year, I’m asking for $31,000 extra. I’m very thankful Anita is getting care and that for the past 4+ years He’s provided enough to pay my bills. That’s no small mercy. But, without more help, medical needs and travel aren’t feasible.
I know everyone is tired of money talk and that many of us are in the same boat. When I add all this up: the struggles with my wife, the shame of inconsistency with streaming and TACO, the potential loss of financial supporters early next year, the huge amount of need, it’s just a lot – so hopefully you understand why when my PC crashed, I crashed too.
How you can help
- Pray for endurance, wisdom, and provision.
- Give toward the specific needs:
- Anita’s care to 60 days: need $5,547 → GiveSendGo
- Reach travel + TACO Tranquility Room: → TACO @ Reach
- Ongoing monthly support: → New Ventures Canada. (I’ll let donors know what’s happening next once it gets figured out.)
- Word of mouth is the biggest need. Share my wife’s story online. Help me with churches, ministries, or leaders who care about digital missions and might want to partner or host me to speak.
- “Hi ___, I support a digital-missions pastor named Allan (‘XtianNinja’) who reaches the lost and lonely online. He has some critical needs right now. He’s also available to speak about digital outreach and the needs/opportunities in online communities. Would you be open to a short intro call?”
Thank you. I don’t want to be a drain. I want to be faithful with what God has given me. If today felt abrupt, this is why.
Supporter FAQ
What exactly remains to fund for Anita right now?
To reach a full 60 days of care through Nov 10, the remaining need is $5,547. Give here.
If the 60-day goal is met, what happens next?
I will send in the funds, and Anita will stay to Nov 10. After that, my next hurdle is dental surgery. I’ll share the treatment plan and cost once I have the updated estimate. Then, I can book my ticket to Reach. Snackgirl was planning to come to serve too, so I hope we can find a way to get her there.
What is the TACO fundraiser for?
Two things: Reach travel and the TACO Tranquility Room. There’s a matching gift that triggers when the campaign hits $1,000 → TACO @ Reach.
Why not book Reach now and trust the rest to come in?
Because Anita’s safety is first and my family’s security comes next. If 60 days are secured and the money is raised, I’ll go. If not, I won’t. That is the responsible call.
What’s the plan if 60 days isn’t funded but TACO’s is?
I’ll reassess after 30 days and won’t travel unless I’m confident Anita is cared for. I will not risk a relapse.
What happens in February when the sponsor-church arrangement ends?
I’m working with New Ventures Alliance on options: either a new sponsor church or a larger non-profit (with a ~10% processing fee) to receive donations. I’ll share specifics as soon as they’re firm.
What should we expect content-wise while things are hard?
Regular chill streams when I’m able (Hollow Knight + AMA) and short blog updates so supporters know what’s happening.